


Central City Classifieds: December 2017 Edition

by nirejseki



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Crack, Fix-It, Gen, M/M, but also a fic, but also rather reflective of current canon, wanted pages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 05:46:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12977337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nirejseki/pseuds/nirejseki
Summary: Central City Picture News is a respectable news organization, with serious journalism, editorials, opinion columns, sports coverage, arts review, and international news.So why does everyone keep reading the classifieds?(Answer: because they'rehilarious.)





	Central City Classifieds: December 2017 Edition

**Author's Note:**

> For the tumblr prompt: just as people say that x celeb reading the phone book could be cool, I feel the same could be true for u, which brings me to thing I'd like to see u write 2: a phone book story.
> 
> It's not quite a phone book, but I hope you enjoy!

**CENTRAL CITY CLASSIFIEDS - December 2017**

New Business Opening:  
Super Tailoring: For All Your Superhero or Supervillain Needs  
Ask for ~Leo~  
\--  
New Business Opening:  
Supersuit Construction Corp.  
Super-suits for Superheroes, Supervillains, and More!  
Theme-appropriate nicknames included!  
Ask for C. Ramon  
Our Motto: “We make proper supersuits here – our competitors should just go back to their stupid earth where the bad guys need suspenders to hold their outfits together.”  
\--  
New Business Opening:  
Super-Repairs  
We Fix Mistakes In Science Done By Supersuit Construction Corp.  
Ask for Harry W.  
\--  
Announcement:  
All creditors to whom Harrison Wells owed money, please come to STAR Labs for a pleasant surprise. Ask for C. Ramon; he'll direct you to the right place.  
\--  
New Business Opening:  
Therapy  
Very Reasonable Prices – Sliding Scale Available  
Free to Superheroes and Supervillains  
PLEASE YOU SHOULD ALL GO GET THERAPY RIGHT NOW  
Ask for ~Leo~  
\--  
Announcement:  
39 Surprisingly High-End Possibly-From-The-Future Toasters for Sale. No returns.  
Ask for B. Allen.  
\--  
For sale, goods:  
One Cold Gun, barely used. Must go to good home. Must agree to take angst, hallucinations, budding drinking problem, and mourning of 30 years of partnership and marriage with you.  
\--  
New Business Announcement:  
John Constantine – Exorcist, Demonologist and Master of the Dark Arts  
In Town for a Limited Time Only!  
\--  
Wanted:  
Better security system capable of removing unwanted stowaways from advanced-future time ship. Call and ask for Sara.  
\--  
Wanted:  
Any security system. At all. Please. Villains just walk in all the time.  
Call STAR Labs.  
\--  
New Business Opening:  
Legendary Security Services  
Be Protected By the Legends of Tomorrow  
(no warranties apply, please ensure you have appropriate insurance before hiring)  
\--  
Job Opening:  
Legendary Security Services  
Seeking Security Consultant – Superhero Experience Welcome  
Must have Zambezi Totem To Apply  
Ask for A. Jiwe and Z. Tomaz.  
All Time Periods Welcome.  
\--  
Wanted:  
Any OTHER security system.  
Call STAR Labs.  
\--  
New Business Opening:  
Colorful Light Show & Anger Management Therapy  
Process Your Emotions, See Beautiful Colors  
Ask for R. G. Biv.  
\--  
Job Opening:  
Individual with meta powers wanted for long-term scheme against the Flash.  
Applications can be left by the statue of the Thinker in Central City Art Museum.  
\--  
Announcement:  
Are you fucking kidding me?? Does that actually work?? – B. Allen.  
\--  
Job Opening:  
New Mentor Figure. Must Not Be Evil.  
Harrison Wells doppleganger preferred.  
No individuals named Eobard need apply.  
Stringent interview process being implemented.  
Applications can be sent to STAR Labs. Honestly, just walk in, there’s no security system.  
\--  
New Business Opening:  
Outdoor Wedding Services  
Planning Your Outdoor Wedding? Worried About the Weather?  
Don’t Be!  
Call M. Mardon To Ensure Your Perfect Day!  
(Also available to ruin your exes’ wedding, but it costs extra.)  
\--  
New Business Opening:  
Welcome to The FLASH Museum!  
Learn all about your favorite local Supehero in intimate, behind-the-scenes detail!  
Call: the H.R. Wells Estate.  
\--  
Cease and Desist Order Lawsuit Filed Against the Flash Museum. C/O the Flash, STAR Labs.  
\--  
While I’m at it, Cease and Desist Order Filed Against Local “Team Flashers” Club. It’s not funny! C/O the Flash, STAR Labs.  
\--  
Wanted:  
Someone capable of making puppets in a wide variety of shapes and sizes.  
Preferably soft and capable of resisting impact; designed to be used in therapy sessions.  
Ask for ~Leo~  
\--  
For sale, goods:  
Slutty clothing, barely used. Very reasonable price, just need to get rid of it.  
Ask for Snow at Star Labs.  
\--  
For sale, goods:  
All clothing in my closet. Basically free. Need to get rid of it in revenge.  
Ask for Frost at Star Labs.  
\--  
For sale, services:  
All the ice you could possibly want, no need for ice machine.  
Ask for Frost at Star Labs. Say that Snow sent you.  
\--  
For sale, services:  
Under-the-table medical care. Reasonable prices.  
Feel free to report to the local medical licensing board afterwards if dissatisfied.  
Ask for Snow at Star Labs. Say that Frost sent you.  
\--  
Announcement:  
Local man with flamethrower seeking attractive girl with ice powers for NSA good time while he is in the present location/time. Willing to annoy additional personality for free.  
\--  
Announcement:  
Nice try. No.  
– Snow and Frost  
\--  
Business Announcement:  
Therapy – now offering relationship and family counselling  
Also lessons in pre-planning, emotional openness, and honest communication  
Ask for ~Leo~  
\--  
New Business Opening:  
Ever wanted to swim with the sharks, but afraid or unwilling to pay for travel? Never fear!  
Swimming Lessons with King Shark  
Reasonable prices.  
Call ARGUS for additional details.  
\--  
Wanted:  
Secret room for plotting and/or emotional processing of grief. No spying devices allowed.  
If you have any locations, call John Constantine, Leo Snart, or Mick Rory.  
Payment available only in Earth-X cash, since the other two are broke.  
\--  
Announcement:  
Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak are pleased to announce that they will be wed in a ceremony on the Star City Central Green at the end of this week.  
\--  
Announcement:  
Another one?! Didn’t you two get married ALREADY?  
A Totally Not Bitter Central City Picture News Journalist  
\--  
Announcement:  
Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak are pleased to announce that they will be renewing their vows at the end of this week, this time before a rabbi and their friends.  
\--  
Announcement:  
You didn’t have a rabbi the FIRST time?  
Noah Kutler & Donna Smoak  
\--  
Announcement:  
What the hell are you two doing filing a joint newspaper announcement???  
Felicity Smoak  
\--  
Announcement:  
Answer us about the rabbi question.  
Noah Kutler & Donna Smoak  
\--  
Announcement:  
They would’ve been able to use the rabbi we used at my wedding, but they got him killed.  
Frost  
\--  
Announcement:  
That was MY wedding, not yours!  
Snow  
\--  
Announcement:  
Best wishes to Felicity Smoak and Oliver Queen on their upcoming vow renewal.  
We’re sorry for accidentally setting your entire extended family on you.  
Team Flash  
\--  
Announcement:  
Did you REALLY re-gift us the espresso machine we gave you??  
Oliver Queen  
\--  
Announcement:  
It was on your registry in exactly the same way it was on ours.  
Iris West.  
\--  
Wanted:  
Someone willing to obtain a list of ingredients, some very esoteric, without asking too many questions as to why. Speed of the essence – need to get all the ingredients before the next full moon.  
Call John Constantine, Leo Snart, or Mick Rory.  
\--  
Wanted:  
An army willing to destroy the world and worship at the feet of GRODD.  
No need to apply. Just think the name of GRODD and we will come for you.  
\--  
For Sale:  
Telepathy-Resistant Emergency Evacuation Devices, available to help you resist Grodd’s mind control long enough to escape. The newest fashion statement. Also, basically free.  
Available at STAR Labs.  
\--  
Job Opening:  
Qualified therapists with an advanced understanding of ethics, client confidentiality, and self-defense. As many as possible. At once. This is so much worse than I could have possibly believed.  
Ask for ~Leo~  
\--  
New Business Opening:  
Freaky Supervillain Carnival  
(Totally NOT a set up trap for the Flash)  
Come see the Dangerous MIRROR MAZE! The magnificent, nauseating WHIRLYGIG!  
Job opening available for a clown, preferably with teeth, to keep away certain unwanted old acquaintances.  
Call S. Scudder and R. Dillon.  
\--  
Wanted:  
Surveillance method capable of keeping an eye on three grown men with the capabilities of John Constantine, Leo Snart, and Mick Rory (included for comparison).  
Something’s up, and Gideon’s not sharing.  
Must be compatible with 25th century technology.  
\--  
For sale, goods:  
Exploding dreidels, for a ridiculously deadly Hannukah prank!  
Totally not the CCPD trying to trap the Trickster again.  
Entirely by coincidence, please call the CCPD if you’re interested.  
\--  
Wanted:  
Young black men who for a variety of flimsy reasons are no longer currently engaged in active super-heroing except in awesome but sadly brief cameos.  
We’re making our own club over in Keystone.  
Call c/o W. West and J. Jackson.  
\--  
Wanted:  
Bounty Hunter capable of tracking and eliminating that pesky C. Ramon for having made a crude comment at my precious and perfect daughter.  
Call Josh (Breacher) on Earth-19  
\--  
Wanted:  
Bodyguard capable of protecting me from a crazy overprotective asshole dad who can’t accept the fact that we’re ALREADY SLEEPING TOGETHER.  
Female bodyguard capable of extreme badassery preferred.  
Call C. Ramon on Earth-1  
\--  
Announcement:  
I, Josh, hereby apologize to my adult daughter for having sought to control her sexuality in such an inappropriate manner. She is free to date whomever she wishes and progress in her relationship at her own chosen speed.  
Please call off your Amazons.  
\--  
Business Name Change:  
Legendary Security Services will now be known as Legendary Amazon Security.  
Because we’re just that awesome.  
A. Jiwe, Z. Tomaz, K. Saunders  
\--  
Police Announcement:  
Will anyone with any knowledge of what caused that giant blue-green explosion in STAR Labs please call the CCPD immediately? Ask to speak with Detective West.  
\--  
Retraction:  
Cold gun no longer available for sale following explosive retrieval process.  
Bill for all property damage may be directed c/o John Constantine.  
\--  
Announcement:  
We are sad to announce that John Constantine has passed away.  
Please send any bills for property damage care of Zatana.  
\--  
Announcement:  
John Constantine is not actually dead. He’s just hiding away on the Waverider again.  
Personal note: John, if I get one more bill, I’m coming for your balls.  
Zatanna  
\--  
Retraction:  
The reports of John Constantine’s death are greatly exaggerated.  
We apologize for the inconvenience.  
He is, however, unavailable to accept any bills.  
\--  
New Business Opening:  
Magic Tricks by Abra Kadabra  
Mention Harry Potter One More Time And I Will Break My Parole And Kill You All  
\--  
Invitation:  
The Epic Len and Leo Welcome Back/Going Away Party  
All Welcome – Bring Presents  
(Puns preferred)  
\--  
For sale, goods:  
One freaky supervillain carnival set up, barely used. Very reasonable price.  
Have to leave town ASAP because there are now TWO Snarts and that’s two too many.  
Call S. Scudder and R. Dillon.  
\--  
Wanted:  
Seeds for Golden Delicious Apples, Golden Berries, and Golden Corn.  
Please send to Gotham City, c/o Lisa Snart.  
\--  
Announcement:  
Lisa, why are you in Gotham? And what’s with all the plants???  
With love,  
Your Concerned Friends and Family


End file.
